Lost In Translation

I'd forgive Johnny Sexton for being a bit confused today. His coaches at Racing Metro released a statement saying that his hand was more or less shagged and that he'd be out for ages. Then the Irish management said that was a load of cobblers, there's nothing wrong with that hand, he'll run it off, sure what do you need a thumb for on a rugby field... Who to believe? The only way we'll get the truth is if we hear from the thumb itself, but it's notoriously media-shy I'm told.

Home-grown Players

Mr. Gatland, of Westgate Street, Cardiff, takes first prize with his 109kg marrow "George".

The idea behind this drawing came from a comment under an article in the sport section of guardian.co.uk (unfortunately I can't remember the article or the poster's name, if it was you let me know and I'll include a credit). The poster compared Wales' outsize backline to overgrown prize marrows, and I immediately pictured Warren Gatland happily pottering around a greenhouse filled with bulging Norths, Robertses, Cuthberts and Williamses.

A War Of Politeness

The build up to the today's England v Ireland match has mostly consisted of both teams saying nice things about each other. Luther Burrell is honoured to play against Brian O'Driscoll, Conor Murray thinks Danny Care is one of the best scrumhalves in the world and Owen Farrell has a great passing range, Joe Schmidt predicts England will be the biggest test he's faced as Ireland's head coach. At this point it's hard to imagine these two sets of players knocking lumps out of each other in a few hours time, since they're all so in awe of their opponents.

It's An Emotional Rollercoaster

Here are the overwhelming emotions I have experienced during the last 6 Ireland v England matches. I stopped before 2007 but that one was (obviously) rapturous euphoria.

Guest Post

Last week I received this (unsolicited) email from my girlfriend. She's a true fan of the game:

I'm flattered you asked me to have a guest post on your rugby blog.

While I haven't finished the article I've attached the illustration that will accompany it.

The Curious Case of Dan Cole

Dan Cole is only 26. That's the thing that struck me most when reading about his bulging disc, which will rule him out of England's upcoming match against Ireland. Partly because I imagine all props to be in their thirties at least, but mostly because he looks like your Grandad's older brother, I had assumed he was a little further on in years. Even by the standards of the front row, Cole looks "mature". And he's looked more or less the same for years now, which means he looked like that when he was 22 or 23. I wonder what he looked like as a teenager? I bet he never got asked for ID. Or maybe he never was a teenager. Perhaps there's a sort of Benjamin Button scenario happening to Dan, and there will come a time when he becomes too young and underdeveloped for the punishing life of a prop forward?

A smack with the wooden spoon

This year, like most years since the Six Nations tournament began, Scotland and Italy are at the bottom of the table. Their match this Saturday represents for both of them the best chance of getting a win. With the pressure to avoid the wooden spoon weighing heavy on each side it might not be a great game to watch, but all of that tension should lead to a pretty passionate encounter. I predict a huge brawl at some point in the first half, most likely started by the meeting of two reliably fiery characters. Jim Hamilton, who seems nowadays to spend the full 80 minutes involved in off-the-ball scraps, and Martin Castrogiovanni, who manages to be both a long-hair and a tight-head, are bound to cross paths early on. Hopefully their personal battle isn't the most exciting thing about Scotland vs Italy.

Rising Stars

Luther Burrell's eyebrows are having a great Six Nations so far. Despite their inexperience, with only 2 caps to their name, Burrell's eyebrows have impressed with their strength and support lines.

Let's hear it for the girls

In recognition of the growing popularity of women's rugby, the Ireland v England women's match will be shown live on RTÉ next Saturday. Among the more excited parties will be Ryle Nugent, who has a whole new set of names to wrap his gums around. Unfortunately for Ryle most of the Irish and English players have pretty familiar-sounding handles, but if anyone can find a creative way to drag a few more syllables from them it's him. He can always console himself with the thought that the next two matches are against Italy and France, so expect a few Nugent specials in the coming weeks.

The Gallic Shrug

Say what you want about this French team, but you can't deny they know how to pout.

Captain Pascal Papé leads by example.

Nematodes & Nemeses

The Murrayfield pitch is being eaten by nematode worms, and that's about the most exciting thing that's happening on it at the moment. The groundskeepers are treating the pitch with garlic in an effort to scare the wriggly fellas away. And like the parasitic infestation, Scotland's team is missing a backbone this season. The arrival of the Auld Enemy usually brings out the best in them, but not this time. After failing to score any points, Scotland waved the white flag by kicking the ball out at full-time. The team and their pitch had taken enough of a beating for one afternoon.

Desperate Dan, Peerless Paul

Poor old Dan Lydiate must be cursing the day he taught Paul O'Connell the secrets of his "chop" tackle technique. Unfortunately for Dan, what goes on tour doesn't always stay on tour. O'Connell cut him down on his first touch in open play, Peter O'Mahony (looking more and more like a future Ireland captain) got over the ball and Ireland won a penalty. The tone was set for the match. O'Connell packed a full 80 minutes of work into his 54 minute shift, before coming off to rest his recuperating lungs. I almost feel sorry for the chest infection. If he treats it anything like he treated the Welsh ball-carriers it's in for a rough time.

Just how big are these Welsh backs?

Wales have a big back line. A very big back line. Ireland have a small back line. Very small by comparison. But just how much bigger are the Welsh players than their Irish counterparts? Take a look at these examples:

Starting at fullback, Rob Kearney is the only Irish back who's heavier than his Welsh opposite number. At 95kg he's got the weight of a decent bag of potatoes over Leigh Halfpenny (85kg).

Kelly Brown is dropped, but he's still a Smiley Guy

The only real surprise in the team selections so far in week 2 is that Scotland's captain Kelly Brown has been dropped from the 23 to play England. Scotland have opted to give the more specialist openside Chris Fusaro his first cap instead, and there isn't even a place for Brown on the bench. Despite Scotland's weak forward display against Ireland on Sunday, Brown is the only member of the pack who hasn't been selected for the Calcutta Cup this weekend. It's a tough call against a good player and one of the genuine nice guys of European rugby. But on a more positive note for Kelly, I finally worked out who he reminds me of! Guy Smiley, the game show host from Sesame Street! A post-rugby career in the media beckons...

Leek & Potato Soup

Recipe:

Take 23 large leeks and 23 medium sized potatoes.
Mix together for 6 weeks, discard one potato, then let stew for 8 months.
Add a heaped teaspoon of spice and sweat the leeks in a large cauldron for 80 minutes.

SIT DOWN!

Since Landsdowne Road was rebuilt as the Aviva Stadium a few years ago there's been a lot of criticism of the lack of atmosphere at the ground. Part of the problem stems from the high ticket prices for international matches, which mean that a lot of the seats are bought by big companies to give to fatcats from other big companies. Those people don't do a lot of cheering. The match against New Zealand in November was an exception, but most of the time there seems to be a pretty big divide between the pitch and the stands. 10 years ago you'd be sick of the sound of The Fields Of Athenry midway through the first half. Now it's rarely heard before the last few minutes of a game. Alan Quinlan has been a particularly strong critic of what Roy Keane would call "the prawn sandwich brigade". I'm with Quinny in his campaign to get the crowd into their seats before kick off. The idea that an Ireland team would run out onto the pitch in front of a half-filled stadium while the so-called fans are queuing up for over-priced, watered-down beer is a disgrace. It's a disgrace Joe.

First Communion

The RTÉ coverage of Ireland vs Scotland on Sunday gave the viewers the visual treat of Shane Horgan and Ronan O'Gara standing not quite shoulder to shoulder at the edge of the Aviva Stadium pitch. The ever-youthful O'Gara looked like a boy dressed up to make his First Communion, with Horgan resembling a reluctant older cousin who's been instructed to keep an eye on him during the family get-together in the pub afterwards.

Poor Paul

After a slow start this afternoon Ireland eventually got the better of Scotland, winning 28-6. In a not-very-exciting match, one of the highlights was Dave Kearney's athletic touchdown in the final play of the game. Although it would have impressed a gymnastics judging panel, unfortunately the ball had bounced in touch before he caught it, so the try wasn't given.

During the match I couldn't help thinking about Paul O'Connell – who was pulled from the team because of a chest infection that developed overnight – watching from his sick bed (that's a thermometer in his mouth, I'm not suggesting that he was indulging in herbal remedies).

Which French team?

France are a bookmakers nightmare. Pre-tournament favourites in 2013, they finished bottom of the table after a disastrous campaign. The question asked by journalists and commentators before every France match (every single one...) is "Which French team will turn up?". Hopefully for France it will be their rugby team.